trying to find opportunities in an adverse environment like minnesota.

my psychologist just left my apartment and i seen my job coach before my psychologist came. i applied to a few more jobs and i HOPE the CORRECT resume that the employers seen was a new resume WITH my most recent volunteer job.
i was just thinking about how when i used to see my psychologist- i had thoughts that i was being forced to talk to people because they thought i was nuts and wanted to take all my rights away from me. so for the longest time, the psychologist would just come to my apartment and sit there, while i pretty much refused to tell them anything (my problems and things that were going on with me in general). then i think it was when i moved to the previous apartment i lived at, one of the psychologists explained to me that my insurance paid for a psychologist for so many hours a month if a client had a brain injury or other related trauma situations. i thought about it and it makes sense since i also read a while ago how a lot of the suicides are victims of trauma and/or tbi's. so needless to say- i've taken advantage of this resource to express my feelings and tell my problems to someone- to vent to someone since NO ONE fuckin listens to me anyway (which i'm POSITIVE is common with other people with TBI's or other traumatic experiences). it feels like my psychologist has asked me this before while i was talking to her about things that are going on with me lately- "amanda doesn't seem like she knows anything about traumatic experiences.." and i said, "yeah.. and she doesn't CARE either." which is pretty much the root of my problems when it comes to amanda advocating or even talking to me. i'm pretty sure brian acknowledged this also and i'm pretty sure he brought up hiring an advocate a LONG time ago but i just looked at it as another hole in my pocket which wasn't guaranteed to benefit me. i also looked at it as just another expense to me and i thought he wanted me to spend all my money, so he'd get a new client.. then i realized i was just being a greedy paranoid idiot after looking at how long brian had been my financial worker and all the shit my paranoid ass emailed him about and he STILL put up with my shit and went out to dinner with me. i'm thinking they may be required to take classes in psychology and dealing with certain clients who have traumatic experiences to them. if they weren't- he was just an understanding nice guy who DID have empathy for other human beings which are NOT HIMSELF like OTHER relatives SHOULD have. AFTER remaining in this state and having to tolerate shit here- i DEFINITELY REGRET NOT taking his advice on the suggestion of hiring an advocate. my opinion is amanda just says this whole moving to new york goal is just a "phase" and i'll get over it as soon as i see how FUN minnesota can be! (since she seems to think she's so damn smart) *rolls eyes* shut up. unempathetic fool. i've been ALL over this damn state and met people.. they're NOWHERE as interesting and fun as new yorkers or other people from OTHER states for that matter. i've lived.. no- WASTED NEARLY FORTY YEARS OF MY LIFE here and this place is a boring, ADVERSE unopportunistic state. i just LUCKILY seemed to find this job at sabathani community center and my psychologist said to me today, "how's the job going? you networked at that event for philando castile.. right?" i don't honestly remember but that would honestly be the only way i could seem to get a job- getting OUT in the DIVERSITY and networking. philando seems to be my guardian angel to success. no wonder why my mom never works.. diversity scares her and my family (except for joe).
yesterday fredrick made a remark to me about how i was losing weight and he said, "I HAD YOU WITH A BIG BACK AND NOW IT'S LIKE YOU'RE LITTLE AGAIN!" and i said to him, "heh.. it's not my fault my weight fluctuates." he made me one or two big egg sandwiches with bacon and i'm pretty sure he's gonna make me ugali with steak soon. the ugali more than likely made me gain weight- he used to always make that for me because he ALWAYS eats it himself and i really doubt that i'll be able to gain weight and hold it because i'm pretty sure i got my dad's metabolism- and he was a pretty skinny guy from the pictures i've seen of him. i'm reading on google that "Risk of Overconsumption. Ugali is dense and calorie-rich, so eating too much may contribute to weight gain." wonder if my dad ever ate ugali.. probably not. i think they typically eat it in africa.
man.. one of the only flaws about this apartment is the mice. i seen one yesterday night while it was running into my living room until i started talking to it and it ran into my kitchen. the lady who's hired to clean my apartment just said to me, "EWWW.. STACY! LOOK AT THAT RAT! DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO KILL IT?!" and i said, "nah.. i seen one last night start to run into my living room and i scared it." i told him that he'd end up like his little brother, smashed to death.